Real Satanist Conversations

Man: Wow, the Gate to Hell–

Voice inside the flames: This is not the Gate to Hell, this is an exit! It is clearly marked!

Man: Who is speaking to me?

Voice inside the flames: Exeunt, Demon of Exits, Dark Lord of Not An Entrance!

Man: Why would Hell have exits? I thought you weren’t allowed to leave.

Voice inside the flames: What? Of course you are allowed to leave! But once you do, you will walk the earth vomiting non-stop and being chased by wild dogs, bears, and bats-

Man: Oh my God!

Voice inside the flames: I’m not finished. Every night, you will have the same nightmare: Your feet are chopped off and fed to you and you must write a 5000 word review of how they tasted using only two adjectives, “spongy” and “woody.”

Man: What a nightmare!

Voice inside the flames: It gets worse: You must finish writing the review before your fingers are cut off with an electric sawing knife. Of course, you can always tell yourself that it’s just a dream, but you’re going to wake up to more vomiting and a Giant Golden-Crowned Flying-Fox Bat eating your nose like it’s a fig.

Man: Fuck, that is horrible!

Voice inside the flames: But, yeah, like I said, you are free to leave Hell at any time…

665: Man, you should have been here back when 666 was around…

667: Man? I am a female locker. 

665: But…But I don’t see any difference between us.

667: I don’t make dumbass assumptions–that’s one difference. So what was the big deal with the 666 locker?

665: He–now I’m wondering if it was she, especially since it called me a dumbass as well–was the coolest. He–She–It used to shoot out flames when you opened it and when you stuck your head inside it and said “Hail Satanas,” it would play Mütiilation’s “Hail Satanas We Are The Black Legions” EP.

667: It shot out flames? Didn’t that burn up bags and textbooks? 

665: Bags, textbooks, students, teachers, guidance counselors, vice principals, the cast and crew of a ghost hunting show–

667: Which one?

665: It was a pilot for a show called School Bells From Hell. It didn’t get picked up…for obvious reasons.

667: So how did they finally get rid of it?

665: Oh, it went on tour with Gorgoroth. Lucky fuck. 

Man being eaten by demon: Oh, God, the horror!

Satanic demon: OK, you’re sending mixed messages, guy. When we Googled you–we Google everyone who arrives in Hell–we found a dating profile on something called OKCupid-

Skeleton: OKCupid? Is that anything like OKDemon?

Satanic demon eating a foot: No, OKDemon is for those tired of being tortured by multiple demons and who are seeking that one special demon to mutilate them for eternity. I signed up, found an 87% match (he said he was cool with “foot stuff”), and then we meet and he wants me to chew on his knees! 

Satanic demon: Well, this guy, Mr. “Oh, God, the horror” said he was a “hardcore cuddler”! Can we not trust your profile, buddy?

Man being eaten by demon: This could not possibly have been what I meant!

Skeleton: What did you mean by “hardcore cuddling”?

Man being eaten: It’s just an expression! Like, “I am really getting hardcore into homebrewing!”

Satanic demon: Well, for the record, this is “hardcore cuddling”. Later, we’ll show you what “rough kink” really feels like…Hint: There are no safe words.

Satanic skeleton on left: Damnit, only now do I found out what a “CDI Orgy” is!

Satanic skeleton on right: I’m having a good time-

Satanic skeleton on left: “Sexy Times On An Island” is what the invitation said…No mention that that island is Cadaver Decomposition Island!

Satanic skeleton on right: Yeah, but the food is great! This is some of the best tentacle I have ever had. 

Satanic skeleton on left: Who is that tentacle attached to?

Satanic skeleton on right: You know, I have not stopped to ask myself that-

Skeleton eating entrails: Um, I think it’s mine…

Satanic skeleton on right: Oh, do you want me to stop eating it? 

Skeleton eating entrails: Nah, you’re cool. I mean, I did sign up to bring the snacks-

Satanic skeleton on left: What the fuck is the appeal of these CDI orgies? 

Skeleton eating entails: Well, it’s easy to get self-conscious at an orgy, but if we’re all in various stages of decay, rampant with maggots and purging fluids, it’s easier to relax, y'know?

Satanic skeleton on left: No, I don’t know. That sounds disgusting.

Skeleton eating entrails: Look, dude, if you’re the only one grossed out at a CDI Orgy, that’s on you. Don’t spoil it for the rest of us! 

Satanic lizard on far right: It’s not just me, right? These chairs are really uncomfortable, don’t you think?

Satanic bird on far left: Yes, thank you! These stone slabs are murder on my back!

Baphomet: They’re torture. We may have thrones in Hell, but they’re the furthest thing from ergonomic. 

Fake White Jesus: Even if I could sit on your uncomfortable thrones, I would not. For-

Satanic bird: How many fake white Jesus’s do we have down here? 

Baphomet: I thought we only had one! This place is turning into a mess! Fake pale Christs everywhere, thrones with no lumbar support…Who do I call about this?

Satanic bird: I thought you were in charge. 

Baphomet: No no, we have an HR department. I just need to find out their extension. We have a Hell directory bound in flesh around here somewhere…

Fake white Jesus: Even if I had a Hell directory, I would not use it. For the righteous must dial every extension until they find who they are looking for. 

Woman in silver gown: Demon, don’t take my infant child!

Demon: I don’t want your stupid baby, I want his crib!

Woman in silver gown: Demon, don’t take my baby’s crib!

Demon: OK, fine. I’ll take your baby-

Woman in silver gown: No! Don’t take my baby!

Demon: OK then, it is decided: I am taking the crib. It will be a fine bed for my tail.

Woman in silver gown: No, don’t take the crib!

Demon: Lady, can you explain your reasoning here? You don’t want me to take your baby–fine, I don’t want him. He probably stinks. But you also don’t want me to take the crib? You must realize I have to take something!

Woman in silver gown: Please, don’t take anything!

Woman in black: Oh, Demon, ignore my daughter. When the tax collector comes, she says “Please don’t take any taxes!” When her baby cries, she says “Please don’t take my milk!" 

Woman in silver gown: Oh, Demon, please take my mother!

Welcome to Baphomet’s Improv Challenge: Final Round!

Geoff: Can you move your scythe just a little bit up? I got a real bad itch there…

Baphomet: Geoff, otherwise known as Fake Jesus, are you ready for the final round of Baphomet’s Improv Challenge? 

Geoff: Just a sec, Bappy. This scythe is really doing the trick…

Baphomet: Are you enjoying this torture?

Geoff: Of course. Why else would a lowly Jesus impersonator from Branson, Missouri, travel to Hell? I’m a masochist. 

Baphomet: So this whole time you’ve enjoyed the beatings, the beheadings, the loss of limbs, the leprosy, the crucifixions, the upside-down crucifixions, and the general abuse?

Geoff: The heart wants what it wants, Bappy. OK, I’m ready for the improv challenge-

Baphomet: Damnit, there is no Improv Challenge! I was making it up just to torture you! You were never going to win! (pause) Geoff, I hate to admit it, but it gets boring down here in Hell sometimes. You can only indulge in depth-less evil for so long before it just feels…played out. When you came down here, saying you were Jesus and listened to Mayhem, it just got everybody excited. Old J-Man wanted to hang out with us, wanted to listen to our music, and we could fuck with him all day, every day–it was a Satanic blessing. We got lost in the excitement and forgot that the real Jesus of Nazareth would be a black man, not a tall, skinny, pasty white guy from Branson.

Geoff: Bappy, you should come to Branson sometime and see some shows. I really think you would love Castle of Chaos, the world’s first 5D horror adventure ride. 

Baphomet: Hold on, Geoff–if you’re just a pale masochist from Missouri, how have you survived all of this torture? How come every time we kill you, you come back to life?

Geoff: Oh, it’s simple: I never got vaccinated as a child. 

Satanic monk in robe: Ba-dum-chhhh!

Baphomet: Damnit, what did I tell you monks? Only I, Baphomet, the Hieroglyph of Arcane Perfection, The Father of Understanding, can do the rim shot-splash punchline sound effect!

Welcome to Baphomet’s Improv Challenge Round 2!

Baphomet: Fake Jesus AKA Real Geoff, are you enthused for round 2 of Baphomet’s Improv Challenge?

Geoff: No.

Baphomet: Good answer! I am enthused that you can’t say “enthused” anymore. Let us begin: What pillow would add the perfect touch to this infernal landscape?

Geoff: Memory foam! The pillow can’t forget the hell it must endure here.

Baphomet: Judges, can we accept “memory foam”? (pause) Oh wait, there are no judges–let me ask myself. Bappy, can you accept “memory foam”? (pause) Nope. The answer is Bucketwheat pillow. 

Geoff: I thought there were no wrong answers in improv!

Baphomet: You have been docked 30,000 Bappy coins and eighteen 19th century Vereinsthaler coins. Also, the founder of longform improv, Del Close, once said “Fuck you, Fake Jesus, of course there are wrong answers in improv.”

Geoff: How many Bappy coins am I in the hole for?

Baphomet: A shit ton. Moving on…Geoff, I have written a spec script for a show about a mildly autistic Seattle detective named Bap. Considering the glut of TV shows with mildly autistic detectives, how can I stand out?

Geoff: Every episode features Bap throwing up for ten minutes straight. Also, include at least five scenes of nunsploitation.

Baphomet: I feel like the nun-fucking will entice a premium cable channel. Hopefully HBO, but I’ll settle for Starz. Geoff, you won this round and an executive producer credit!